I’m here to talk about the year in “entertainment.” I will do my best to review 2012 by choosing my Top Four in each category. I don’t think there was a top ten of anything this year. Whatever. I’ll kick off my Van’s and go for it.
Television: I only got cable because I think it’s hilarious to spend that much money every month on the Time Warner nipple. There are a few things I liked okay:
- “The Walking Dead:” Hello, based on a graphic novel…
- “Dancing With The Stars: All Stars:” because it gave America a big lesson in getting what you wish for. Which was shit. Don’t be assholes, America!
- “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo:” I love hate-watch TV. I love schadenfreude. My friends and I get high and watch this show.
- “Dr. Who:” Most things on BBC America are awesome. Jesus, this country is dumbed down.
Movies: I don’t see movies, I see films. I try not to pay attention to critics too much, because they’re bitter. Whatever. Here’s what I liked.
- “The Hunger Games:” Because it could happen, people. Serious.
- “Django Unchained:” Finally, a movie about slavery that’s funny. Tarantino kicks so much ass.
- “The Hurt Locker:” I didn’t get to see it until this year, because I was trying to boycott it. Then I forgot why I was boycotting it and streamed it on my X Box. Yeah, it was pretty cool.
- All Documentaries: Because they’re real, man.
Music: This one’s hard for me, because I’m in a band, Whiskey Dick, that plays bi-monthly at The Creek, so I know my shit. Anywho… these stuck out for me:
- PSY, “Gangnam Style”: Song sucks… but I like it because my girlfriend and I made up a sex position and called it this. Then we bumped uglies to the song.
- Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”: I’m not a pop fan (DUH), but I heard it a million times shopping at the Goodwill. I created this master mash up with some Big Boi and it kicks asssssss.
- Lana Del Rey, “Born To Die”: Hear me out… she’s so hauntingly bad, she’s good. Don’t you people get it? Jesus Christ. She’s also uber hot.
- Frank Ocean, “Channel Orange”: Yeah, it’s pretty good, but he is so brave, man, to come out like that in the world of hip hop?!!? Props to Frank Ocean. Mad props.
Literature: I consider graphic novels more “books” nowadays, so that’s mostly what I read. I mean, Fifty Shades of Grey, more Stephen King, another Oprah’s Book Club selection?!!? Yawn. Where are the Plaths and the Salingers? Nobody hurts anymore.
- Stephen Colbert, America Again: Re-Becoming The Greatness We Never Weren’t: Colbert is fucking brilliant, man; he is epic. He tells the utter truth through lies. Think about it. His show and “The Daily Show” are how I get my news.
- JK Rowling, The Casual Vacancy: Finally, JK Rowling busts out of the mundane Harry Potter prison! It was “blackly comic, thought-provoking and constantly surprising”. That’s what they said on Amazon. I didn’t really read the whole thing.
- LEGO Ninjago: Character Encyclopedia: LEGOS. Fuck, yeah. Imagination is the key.
- Ian Falconer, Olivia, The Fairy Princess: Olivia the pig is like an Everyman. She’s always trying to secure her place in the world while still standing out from the crowd. Her conundrum over sparkly tutus is a genius metaphor for everything from bullying to the capture of Bin Laden. Think about it: we are all Olivia.
Trends: I don’t pay attention to what’s “popular”. I do my own thing. I create my own trends. And if it gets too trendy, I’ll fucking stop doing it, because then it’s bullshit. But this is what I saw a lot of this year…
- Gluten-free foods: My roommate is allergic to wheat and gluten and now the world is opening up for him. Trader Joe’s is no longer a death trap.
- Gay marriage: If I liked dudes, I’d be real happy.
- London Olympics: I hate the Olympics, but the opening ceremonies (that a lot of people hated) were brilliant. Why do we judge people and pit countries against each other? Anyway, people liked this Draconian exploit. I liked the Pink Floyd feel to the festivities; the artistry, man. Beautifully absurd.
- Bagel Heads: If you don’t know what it is: artists inject 400 cc of saline into your forehead, then press a finger into the lump to create a dent. Ta da! You’re a bagel head! It’s going to take body modification to the next level. Fuck tattoos and piercings, this is the new ugly-pretty. I’m putting on my girlfriend’s jeans and going to get one now.
People Who Died:
- Society finally killed Whitney Houston.
- ABC finally stopped exploiting Dick Clark.
- Neil Armstrong and Sally Ride will get to rest after the world mostly forgot who they were, anyways. Who writes our history books? I mean, shit.
- My most missed will be Ralph McQuarrie, the artist who helped George Lucas sell the idea of Star Wars, but you won’t see him honored in People or another bullshit rag because he didn’t have a Facebook page, I guess. Jesus.
I’m not going to cover bullshit like “Best Twitter” (Rob Delany, IMHO) or “Best Apps” (although the mustache app is rad), because I think we can survive without calling those things entertainment. It’s embarrassing. If it were up to me, I would write about my girlfriend’s awesome burlesque group, Nipply Deluxe. Whatever. Enjoy the mundane of 2013. I’m Audi.