Are you wondering about the best way to avoid getting killed by an MQ-9 Reaper drone with laser-guided munitions while also pleasing your man? Al-Qaeda’s nifty guide provided some pointers, but it wasn’t exactly romance-friendly. Here are some tips about how to stay alive while keeping your relationship hot.
1. Buy your boyfriend a Russian “sky-grabber” device to infiltrate drone frequencies. Then give him a night of “sky’s-the-limit grabbing” in bed.
2. Beg him to give you a tutorial on the “Racal” device, which also confuses drone frequencies. When he agrees, say, “Just kidding. Want a blow job?”
3. Spread reflective glass on your car and the roof of your home. Place leftover mirror on the ceiling above your bed and give your man a ringside seat to your mind-blowing sex moves.
4. Hire skilled snipers to hunt low-flying drones outside while you and your man play a naked “hunting game” of your own in private.
5. Jam electronic communications using a water-lifting dynamo with a 30-meter copper pole. Use it to shock your boyfriend with a pole-dancing striptease he’ll never forget.
6. Keep the microwave running twenty-four hours a day. The frequencies deceive NATO missiles’ electromagnetic searching devices and also allow you to give constant treats to your guy. Remember, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
7. Do not use permanent headquarters. Shake things up! Sneak into a stranger’s attic for a night of illicit sex and protection from the enemy.
8. Halt movement after discovering the presence of a drone. Use this time to cuddle with your boyfriend. Press your breasts up against his chest and he’ll forget all about the AGM-114 Hellfire missiles that are aimed with the purpose of killing him.
9. To escape being spotted at night, build a discreet fort equipped with silk pillows and lots of lube!
10. Hide under thick trees, as these are the best cover against the planes. Low-hanging branches will keep you cool while you try out new sex positions like the pinwheel and the Arc de Triomphe.
11. Stay in places unlit by the sun. Add candles for a sensuous touch.
12. Maintain complete silence between all wireless contacts. It protects you from getting tracked by CIA agents, plus there’s nothing more disruptive of lovemaking than a ringtone.
13. Keep away from vehicles when being chased or during combat, but climb in for the post-siege “joystick joyride” in the passenger seat.
14. To deceive the drone, enter a building with multiple entrances and exits. Once inside, remind your man that you, too, have multiple entrances and exits, and that he can have his pick.
15. Hide in an underground shelter. Once the two of you are hunkered down, use the opportunity to bring up those questions you’ve waited to ask: When are you going to meet his parents? Is marriage in the cards? Does he want children, and if so, how many?
16. Kidnap an American. He’ll be impressed by your cunning and strength, and he’ll know you’re ready to take things to the next level.
17. Keep on the look out for spies and agents—during the day, at least. At night, a little espionage role-playing (“Me Tarzan, you Defense Intelligence Agency informant”) will keep him excited.
18. Construct mannequins and place them outside to mislead the enemy. Make an extra just for the bedroom. An anatomically correct doll can go a long way in spicing up your relationship—design it to your boyfriend’s aesthetic preferences.
19. If a drone is chasing your car, jump out and run away. Taking off your clothes at this point will please your man during what would otherwise be a purely high-stress situation.
20. Use natural barricades like a forest or cave. Have sex under precariously hanging stalactite. Let Mother Nature release the carnal animal in both of you.
21. Use smoke as cover by burning tires. The right aroma is an aphrodisiac, and few scents are more titillating than burnt rubber.
22. He shouldn’t use a cell phone if the enemy has tagged your boyfriend’s voice for identification, so don’t get mad if he doesn’t call you back. And remember, talking dirty is way more fun in person than over a phone.
