5) Have a Lot of Money – There was a time when Donald Trump led in polls for the 2012 Republican nomination. Same with Herman Cain. Was it due to their stunningly brilliant policy proposals? Does 9-9-9 become anything other than a joke without Cain’s gobs of Godfather Pizza money?

4) Shout at a Democrat – This can either be done in the Democrat’s presence, such as South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson’s infamous “You Lie!” outburst during President Obama’s 2009 State of the Union address, or just in public, such as during pretty much any Ted Nugent appearance.

3) Say That Poor People Just Don’t Work Hard Enough – Ashton Kutcher became an overnight rightwing sensation during the 2013 Teen Choice awards when he claimed that “opportunity looks a lot like hard work.” To some it sounded like he said poor people were lazy, and he was hailed a conservative hero–until somebody told them he’s a strong gay marriage supported who also voted for Obama.

2) Claim to be a Victim – Conservatives love victims. So much that you just say “I’m a victim!” and it’s almost like a get out of jail free pass. Or, as in the case of the black-teenager-shooter George Zimmerman, it is exactly like a get out of jail free pass. One current rightwing “victim-hero” is Julie Boonstra, who starred in an Americans for Prosperity anti-Obamacare ad in which she claimed the Affordable Care Act had caused her to lose her doctor and her premiums to rise. Victim! And when journalists did some checking and found out that not only was Boonstra able to keep her doctor but that her premiums were actually going down under the ACA? Viola! A second AfP ad claiming that people are being mean for fact-checking her first ad.

Victim!

1) Thank God – Mention God and all is forgiven. How else to explain conservatives suddenly drooling over Matthew McConaughey, who very publicly thanked God after winning an Oscar for portraying a man who comes down with AIDS?