Planning for the office holiday party can be a struggle. What to wear? How to act? Who to sleep with? Newslo.com has got you covered with 5 simple steps to stay cool, classy and employed this Christmas.
1. Dress to Impress
Enough with the conservative blazers, ladies. Give your girls some fresh air! Check the appropriateness of your holiday ensemble by wearing it to Starbucks first. If the barista gazes solely at your chest while you order your grande café mocha, no sugar, no whip, half skim, half whole milk, this is the outfit. Also, if you order that, you’re an asshole.
As for the guy dress code, let’s be honest, you don’t give a crap. Next tip.
2. Choose an Appropriate Date
If you’re single and lonely this season, a date for the holiday office party can be particularly nerve-racking. Take a cue from “Pretty Woman” and find a prostitute with potential. One Kmart makeover later and… POOF! You’ll have date that looks like a million bucks. Or like 25 bucks.
Or like a hooker.
3. Prove You Can Hold Your Alcohol
Let’s get real. This party is a forum for co-workers to schmooze up the boss with witty conversation and ass kissing. If you want to stand out, prove your worth in alcohol consumption. Ease in with a few eggnog shots. Ease out with body shots off the boss’s wife. She’ll appreciate the physical attention.
4. Be the First to Karaoke. And the Last.
Yes, being the first to karaoke is scary. Everyone is judging you with their judgy eyes, and their judgy faces. Break the ice with a choreographed rendition of “I’m Too Sexy [For My Shirt].” Once your co-workers get into it and start fighting over turns, hand over the mic to a worthy singer. Just kidding. Hold onto the mic, crooning songs for the rest of the night.
5. Keep Relations Professional
We know you’ve been eyeing Linda over in human resources, and it’s okay! You’re only human. To avoid “complications” at the holiday party, bone her senseless in the office supply closet and then see step 3. If you’re both too blackout to remember what went down (or who went down), it’s like it never happened! Right?