CHICAGO — In an effort to avoid using future airtime to cover gun violence in Chicago, all major American news networks have decided to preemptively broadcast a tribute to the next 500 Chicagoans to be shot and killed in the city.
The mainstream media had agreed upon a 500-murder quota to be reached in 2012 before they would dedicate an entire segment to the issue, since gun violence in Chicago, a city home to nearly 70,000 gang members, has become the status quo. This plan backfired when the quota was fulfilled shortly before the year’s end.
To avoid making that mistake again, all major news outlet concluded their coverage with a moment of silence dedicated to the next 500 murders, accompanied by a scrolling list of names of real Chicago residents that just might be murdered by gunfire, either in cold blood or as collateral damage.
Fox News even used a color-coding system to determine which Chicagoans would be slain with guns that were purchased legally in neighboring states and those that would be fatally shot with guns acquired through the black market, using green for the former and red for the latter.
University of Chicago sophomore Glenn Mawhinney expressed surprise and disappointment to see his name on the list.
“I mean, I knew it was a huge problem, but I thought if we just ignored the sociological forces creating this phenomenon it would just go away,” said Mawhinney, whom Fox predicted would be killed using a Bushmaster ACR purchased with drug money. “Plus, it said I would be hit by a stray bullet while riding my bike, so I guess I have to stop riding my bike.”
“This sucks,” he added.