TABLE OF CONTENTS
It’s been said that everything in the universe is basically made up of stardust. Each and every atom is composed of protons, neutrons, electrons, and glue.
But let’s not kid ourselves. What does your toenail really have in common with the ocean? How can we compare a sunset to Aunt Jenny’s stinkies? Here are seven things that have absolutely nothing to do with one another.
Vacuum Cleaners
Invented in 1901, the vacuum cleaner has been dubbed “the first household appliance that literally sucks” by no one who wants to be associated with that quote. Thanks to the vacuum cleaner, humans were finally able to achieve their millennia-long dream of gluing a rug to the floor.
The Trilateral Commission
A dark, shadowy group of wealthy ne’er-do-wells, the Trilateral Commission was created in 1973 as another excuse to go on vacation and write it off as a business expense. Made up of elite citizens from Europe, Asia and North America, the group meets four times a year to discuss policy and commerce while indulging in champagne pool parties.
General Tso’s Chicken
Ordering General Tso’s chicken is one of the decisions you can make in your life. No one is denying that. Whether or not it’s a good decision… well, that really comes down to your own personal definition of “good.” No members of the Trilateral Commission have ever tried General Tso’s chicken.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Best known for his self-titled 1985 hit single, “Rock Me Amadeus,” Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was a composer who rose to superstardom in Vienna in the late 18th century, after marketing executive Scooter Braun discovered one of his videos on YouTube. His subsequent brushes with petty crime and substance abuse have helped solidify his image as a “bad boy.”
Don Rickles
Don Rickles is widely known for his clever brand of insult comedy. One could argue that Don Rickles and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart are similar, because they are both men, but one would be incorrect. Don Rickles is not human.
Newts
Newts were invented on the same day that unicorns were invented. Newts are poisonous amphibians. Do not touch newts.
Glitter
“Glitter” is a Mariah Carey film. Glitter is something you can sprinkle onto a glob of glue while decorating for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Glitter is a feeling. Glitter is what happens when a newt and a unicorn get sucked up into a vacuum cleaner with Mozart, the Trilateral Commission, General Tso’s Chicken, and Don Rickles.
