8 Wars To Watch For In 2014

From Syria to the North Pole, global tensions were on the rise in 2013. Here are Newslo’s predictions for the bloodiest conflicts to come in 2014.

War On Drugs: Colorado’s stoners may have won the battle to legalize pot, but according to General Nancy Grace, they’ll be too fat and lazy to win the war.

Gun Control War: This war will end as soon as politicians and lobbyists sack up and use their guns against each other instead of arguing about them like pussies.

War On Easter: Last year’s War On Christmas ended in a stalemate, but the Easter Bunny lacks both the resources and the international backing that make Santa Clause a force. Should be an easy win for Godless folk.

World War III: Not as significant as the War On Easter, but still a threat. China and Japan are locked in dispute over five tiny islands, and nobody wants Japan getting any bigger.

War On Women: As the inferior sex, women deserve applause for making it this far, but they will succumb in 2014, leaving men to destroy themselves by February 2015.

War On Terror: Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones disappointed at the box office, but the more efficiently titled Paranormal Activity 5 is slated for wide release in October.

War on Climate Change: The most exciting of all of the wars. This winter’s freezing temperatures revealed the genius of global warming naysayers, but will warm weather return this summer?

War On Obesity: Reports of autonomous fat cells that can think independently threaten life as we know it.