From Syria to the North Pole, global tensions were on the rise in 2013. Here are Newslo’s predictions for the bloodiest conflicts to come in 2014.

War On Drugs: Colorado’s stoners may have won the battle to legalize pot, but according to General Nancy Grace, they’ll be too fat and lazy to win the war.

Gun Control War: This war will end as soon as politicians and lobbyists sack up and use their guns against each other instead of arguing about them like pussies.

War On Easter: Last year’s War On Christmas ended in a stalemate, but the Easter Bunny lacks both the resources and the international backing that make Santa Clause a force. Should be an easy win for Godless folk.

World War III: Not as significant as the War On Easter, but still a threat. China and Japan are locked in dispute over five tiny islands, and nobody wants Japan getting any bigger.

War On Women: As the inferior sex, women deserve applause for making it this far, but they will succumb in 2014, leaving men to destroy themselves by February 2015.

War On Terror: Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones disappointed at the box office, but the more efficiently titled Paranormal Activity 5 is slated for wide release in October.

War on Climate Change: The most exciting of all of the wars. This winter’s freezing temperatures revealed the genius of global warming naysayers, but will warm weather return this summer?

War On Obesity: Reports of autonomous fat cells that can think independently threaten life as we know it.