‘A Million Ways to Die in the West,’ as Seen by a Girlfriend Who Felt Guilty Saying ‘No’

I decided to stop pretending to watch the World Cup (go USA, right?) when my Seth MacFarlane-fan of a boyfriend took me out for our bi-monthly “I’ll pay for us to go do something so that you’ll continue to tolerate my smells.” We wheeled our barrels of popcorn into the theater and saw “A Million Ways to Die in the West.” I know it was released May 30, but I was hoping my bf missed all the commercials for it, seeing as he’s obviously a very busy man with important ramen to cook and socks to not wash. 

Anyways, within the first 15 minutes of the movie, I knew I should’ve just pocketed the money from the $20 movie ticket and settled for a solid “Game of Thrones” night in. I like to keep a tally of how many nipple shots they can fit into one episode. Winning number so far: 12.

When I saw the celeb-infused cast list, including big names like Liam Neeson, Charlize Theron, Amanda Seyfried, Neil Patrick Harris, Sarah Silverman, and the overzealous narrator that we all learned to accept in “Ted,” I thought, “Oh, maybe I won’t drown myself in this 40-ounce coke.” Now I’m wishing I would’ve taken the plunge after sitting through the 116 minutes of uncomfortable MacFarlane jokes. Even my boyfriend felt bad for the guy. It was obvious that he pretty much controlled the film; he was credited as director, producer, co-writer, and, of course, actor. So I’m naturally placing almost all the blame on him. Please, Seth, just stay behind the camera and do funny voices, and we’ll get along just fine.

The shining star of this film (and, really, of everything else he does, am I right?) is, without question, Neil Patrick Harris, and I say this despite his poop-in-a-hat scene. I’ll go ahead and assume he didn’t write that. His musical number, however, is catchy and a nice jolt of energy into the film. I just hope it doesn’t inspire a bunch of guys to grow mustaches – if you’re reading this, PLEASE DON’T. THEY’RE HEINOUS.

And while I appreciated the numerous cameos by people like Ewan McGregor, Bill Maher, and Ryan Reynolds (except Ryan was wearing a shirt, WTF?) because they distracted me from the overall movie, I found myself enjoying Sarah Silverman’s Orbit Gum commercial more than this film. MacFarlane’s loyal fans, like my poor, strangely amused other half, may find this movie entertaining, but even they would have to admit that it’s not Seth’s best work. MacFarlane, you seem cool enough, but stick to voice acting.