NEW YORK – Even though Major League Baseball announced today that a dozen players have been suspended for the rest of the season in connection with the Biogenesis scandal, an exasperated nation threw up its hands in disgust with the realization that the saga between MLB and Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez will go on for an indeterminate amount of time.
“The MLB suspensions have come down y’all,” said Stuart Scott, breaking the news on ESPN’s SportsCenter. “It looks like [MLB Commissioner] Bus Selig is like, ‘Yo A-Rod, you gotta sit for the rest of this season and all of next, coz’. But A-Rod is all like ‘Nah-dawg, I’m gon’ talk to my union rep and app-iz-eal this so that’…” Scott then let out a heavy sigh as he looked away from the teleprompter, straight into the camera, and said “Oh for fuck’s sake! Are we really going to be talking about this for another six weeks at least? Jesus Christ!”
Scott continued, “Can I get a Tim Tebow story to report on?”
In the Yankee clubhouse, the mood was also heavy with exhaustion as the embattled third baseman returned to the struggling club. “Hey, what’s up guys?” said Rodriguez, trailed by three dozen media members as he attempted to greet each of his teammates individually on the brink of his season debut. “Happy to be back.”
Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, while acknowledging that A-Rod’s presence will bring an unprecedented circus-like atmosphere to the clubhouse – even by Yankee standards – said his potential contribution is needed. “Everyone knows it’s been a rough year for us,” said the Captain. “We’re old, we’re not scoring runs, and we have a depleted farm system. Hell, I’ve barely been able to stay on the field. As universally unpopular as he is, we have no choice but to turn to Alex to save our season.”
“I call for all Yankee fans to support Alex,” said the venerated Captain. “Unless he hits like he did in the playoffs. Then they should boo the shit out of him and remind him that he’ll never be me.”
In Washington, however, news of the ongoing legal battle is being welcomed with open arms. “So many of us aspire to be like the superstar athletes we admire and play in the big leagues,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA). “Now, after all this time, it looks like it’s the sports world that is taking a page from us, and engaging in pointless, soul-deadening gridlock that, while benefitting no one, is something the American people are forced to watch. Pretty flattering when you think about it.”
As of press time, Pete Rose is laying 3 to 1 odds that A-Rod beats the suspension.