GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip — Hamas today expressed outrage at Craigslist’s unwillingness to maintain a local site for their Gaza territory, calling it “a roadblock to peace in the Middle East.”
“It’s unfair that they only have a site for the West Bank,” proclaimed Sami Abu Zuhri, chief spokesman for the terrorist governing body Hamas, which controls the Palestinian Gaza Strip. “It’s inexcusable to force poor, hard-working Palestinian farmers to travel 78 kilometers across Zionist-occupied land just so they can meet companions, whores, or well-hung transsexuals.”
Chairman of the Hamas Political Bureau and its leader, Khaled Mashaal, openly reiterated his spokesman’s words, and accused “the Zionist entity” of conspiring with Craigslist to “prevent Gazans from using the Internet to find means of procreation” provided to their counterparts in the West Bank.
When asked if Hamas would countenance homosexuals using Craigslist personals section, Meshaal responded unequivocally that “There are no homosexuals in the Palestinian territories, and there never will be.”
Micky Rosenfeld, Israel’s head foreign spokesperson for the Israel Police, dismissed Meshaal’s claims as “classic fear mongering with some old-school bigotry mixed in.”
“Not only do we have no control over Craigslist, but everyone knows Meshaal and half his cabinet members are gay,” claimed Rosenfeld. “We also know from human rights groups that hundreds of gays flee the Gaza strip into Israel every year to escape death threats and Islamic legal persecution from this hypocritical tyrant.”
Rosenfeld went on refer to the Palestinians as the only roadblock to “casual encounters,” remarking, “No one wants their next STI to come from an Internet whore, let alone a terrorist.”
Worried that escalating rhetoric on both sides is not conductive to creating a lasting peace in the region, U.S. President Barack Obama released a statement calling on “both sides to exchange a little stress-relief gunfire,” and then get back to business. “I just don’t need this shit right now. Thanks!”