ATLANTA – Dr. Sanjay Gupta, noted neurosurgeon and CNN’s chief medical correspondent, announced today that since coming out and publicly challenging the DEA’s classification of marijuana as a dangerous drug, he has begun experimenting with other substances classified as dangerous such as cocaine, heroin, and PCP.
Dr. Gupta had previously been an opponent of medical marijuana, famously writing a 2009 article for Time magazine titled “Why I Would Vote No on Pot,” so his abrupt flip on the issue, as well as his stunning admission on Piers Morgan’s cable news show to having tried marijuana, caught many by surprise.
“Frankly, I never saw Sanjay as one to seriously hot box the green room,” remarked NBC’s chief medical editor Dr. Nancy Snyderman. “But now that he’s crossed that Rubicon, I don’t see anything stopping him. He’s pretty much on the Road to Hell.”
“I mistakenly believed the Drug Enforcement Agency listed marijuana as a schedule 1 substance because of sound scientific proof,” Dr. Gupta wrote in a CNN editorial. “I now know that when it comes to marijuana… it doesn’t have a high potential for abuse, and there are very legitimate medical applications. Once I realized I was so wrong about pot, the next logical step was to shoot up.”
According to Dr. Gupta, he has taken to walking the streets and alleys of major cities in search of his ‘research specimens’ that he then brings back to his hotel room before either injecting or snorting the illicit substance. He then periodically calls for either a pizza or an exotic female escort.
“Everything we’ve been told about drugs is wrong!” he shouted hurriedly at a surprise press conference on the corner of Wilmington Avenue and Courtland Street at 2:00 in the morning. “Cocaine rocks! I feel great! Everyone should feel this good! I don’t want it to stop! Des anyone have some more for me to scientifically study? I’ll probably be coming down in an hour or so.”
Dr. Gupta acknowledged that opening his heart to medical marijuana was like ‘walking through a gateway to another world full of just crazy-ass shit.’
He then added, “Wooooo!!!!”