After Fingerprinting Fail, iPhone to Accept Urine Sample

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Mere days after the release of the iPhone 5S with its industry-first fingerprint security feature, a group in Germany demonstrated how easily the program can be hacked. In response, Apple says it will up the ante and move to a “far more secure” urine-sample identification feature.

Apple’s latest efforts have been plagued by problems, including furious reactions to the iOS 7 software update, but this new effort should offer customers who’ve had more than their fill some much-needed relief, said CEO Tim Cook.

“We pride ourselves on setting the standard in user-friendly technology that has universal accessibility. And everybody has to pee, right?” Cook said. “With this new feature, Apple will officially guarantee that nobody else uses your phone, possibly ever again. In fact, I’d be surprised if they even ask.”

Cook added: “And think of the apps that can be developed to go along with this advance! Pregnancy tests, drug tests … I mean, who doesn’t want the Cloud knowing if they’re getting enough potassium?”

The iPhone 5S’s fingerprint ID can be fooled with a dpi camera and printer, plus some pink latex milk. The new security feature, iPee, could only be outwitted with stolen urine (users are advised not to keep any lying around), or else with an exact copy of your digestive and endocrine systems.

Apple store employees will laugh in your face if you try to return a phone with water damage.

Initial reaction to the iPee announcement has been overwhelmingly negative. “What if I have to use my phone, but don’t have to go? This is ridiculous,” reads one online comment. Another asks: “And then I’m supposed to put this thing right on my cheek, you say? Where do I sign up?”

Perhaps most evocative was this sarcastic Twitter apology from one tech blogger: “And to think I said Tim Cook was pissing away his term as CEO.”