After Screwing Argentinian Mistress, Sanford Sets Sights on Screwing Entire Nation

In the kind of Cinderella story you only hear about in pornographic remakes of German fairy tales, Mark Sanford has won a special election in South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District over Democratic nominee Elizabeth Colbert Busch, sister of comedian Stephen Colbert.

Sanford is best known as the former South Carolina governor who went “hiking on the Appalachian Trail.” After being out of contact with his staff, family, and press for four days, Sanford returned from a trip to Argentina. Missing the mark by over 5,000 miles, Sanford revealed that he meant to say he was going to be “balls deep in his Argentinian mistress” rather than “hiking the Appalachian Trail.”

Sanford’s four-day game of hide-and-seek coincided with Father’s Day, on which he did not place a call to his children because he was rigorously studying “Cock Exercises for Politicians,” a new bipartisan video series hosted by John Edwards and Newt Gingrich.

Asked how he felt about the remarkable turnaround Sanford’s career has taken, Larry Craig said, “That man’s testes are so large, when he sits down in the stall next you it’s just like New Year’s Eve.”

On the campaign trail Sanford said, “[I’m] an imperfect man, saved by God’s grace,” a slogan he ushered in without any trace of irony as he announced his candidacy holding hands with his Argentinian mistress-cum-fiancée and the children of his shattered marriage, both of whom wore t-shirts that said, “My dad hiked the Appalachian Trail and all I got was this new Argentinian mother.”

His campaign also missed an opportunity to note the irony of his position on religion as he received campaign donations from the porn site AshleyMadison.com and Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler Magazine.

Jon Kohan, Sanford’s campaign manager, commented, “We won? Seriously? Shit. Mark’s going to be super pumped, brah. I’m going to have to cancel that hiking trip I planned for next week.”

Despite pulling support from Sanford’s campaign after his ex-wife filed a complaint that Sanford violated their divorce agreement by showing up to her house unannounced, the GOP is welcoming Sanford with open arms.

John Boehner said, “We hope Mark can bring the kind of integrity that the House of Representatives is known for. After all, this is the same building where great politicians like Donald Lukens, Mel Reynolds, Ken Calvert, Bob Barr, Robert Livingston, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Gary Condit, Ed Shrock, Steven LaTourette, David Dreier, Don Sherwood, Mark Foley, Tim Mahoney, Vito Fossella, Chip Pickering, Eric Massa, Mark Souder, Chip Lee, David Wu, and Anthony Weiner legislated.”

“It’s a lot to live up to.”

Asked for comment, Sanford simply pulled out his wiener and said, “Get ready for this, America.”