WASHINGTON — Fresh off her successful crusade forcing junk food stalwart Hostess into bankruptcy, First Lady Michelle Obama has another individually-wrapped dessert purveyor in her crosshairs: Little Debbie.
“Having relegated Twinkies, Zingers, Hostess Cupcakes, and Wonder Bread to the dustbin of history, some would rather I give the titans of the snack food industry time to lick their wounds,” said an animated First Lady at her cauliflower and cucumber-catered press conference. “But this is no time to rest on our laurels! Our children are under attack from the forces of obesity! Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!”
Since launching the Let’s Move! Campaign in 2010, Mrs. Obama has been a strong advocate for children’s health, traveling across America teaching kids and parents alike simple ways to live healthier lives in an effort to fight childhood obesity. But as childhood obesity numbers continued to rise, she decided on a more direct approach.
“The number of states where 15% or more of high school students registered as obese rose from five in 2009 to twelve in 2011,” she explained. “I saw that and said ‘Oh, Hell no! Hostess is going down!’ And I delivered! Now I’m going to ram the heel of my black suede boot through Little Debbie’s throat!”
Mike Gloekler, Communications Manager for McKee Foods, the parent company of Little Debbie, was taken aback by the First Lady’s animosity. “I really don’t see what the big deal is,” he said. “We make Oatmeal Cream Pies, Little Muffins, Cosmic Brownies. We’re small potatoes. If Mrs. Obama wants to fight childhood obesity, she should go after Hershey’s or Mars. Kit-Kats and Snickers fatten up our nation’s youth way more than our Cloud Cakes!”
Mrs. Obama acknowledged that the candy giants were on her radar, but remained steadfast in her drive to crush Little Debbie. “I’m going to have that red-haired hillbilly begging for mercy before I’m done with her,” she said. “No mercy! I won’t stop until every child in America sits in front of a dinner plate loaded with fresh, healthy, organic lettuce, carrots and broccoli!”
The nation’s children could not be reached for comment as they were all busy stocking up on junk food.