PYONGYANG, North Korea — Dennis Rodman arrived in North Korea today to begin his five-day “basketball diplomacy tour.” A self-described “personal friend” of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, the former NBA star is expected to ask Kim to release captive American citizen Kenneth Bae from prison. If successful, he has then hinted that he may take a stab at solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in the Middle East.
“I will definitely ask for Kenneth Bae’s release,” he told the Huffington Post. “I will say, ‘Marshal, why is this guy held hostage?’ I could try and soften it up in that way. If the Marshal says, ‘Dennis, you know, do you want me to let him loose?’ and then if I actually got him loose — and I’m just saying this out the blue — I’d be the most powerful guy in the world.”
Rodman then added. “Which I guess would make it my responsibility to fix that whole Jew-Arab thing over there in Iraq or wherever.”
Rodman’s diplomatic acumen has turned the Reality TV star (seen on Celebrity Apprentice, The Mole, Celebrity Poker Showdown, Celebrity Blackjack, Celebrity Big Brother, Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, and Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew) into one of the U.S.’s most powerful foreign policy tools.
“Dennis has been instrumental in securing America’s safety,” admitted Secretary of State John Kerry. “Most people don’t know it, but Rodman was the one who actually pulled the trigger on Bin Laden. We wanted to pin another medal on him, but he refused. He said he already had enough medals and didn’t want to steal the limelight from his friends in Seal Team Six. The guy’s just so damned selfless.”
“Most people, they ain’t so bad. They want to do the right thing, but society puts them in a little box. I know all about boxes,” said the star of Bad as I Wanna Be: The Dennis Rodman Story. “All they need’s a chance. So I figure maybe I’ll hop on over to, you know, get everybody to just chill.”
“Ambassador Rodman’s words hold much weight here,” said Aziz Duwaik, President of the Palestinian National Authority. “Were he to come to Palestine to personally ask us to do him a solid and stop the hating, it would go a long way towards ending our centuries-old, multi-generational conflict.”