WASHINGTON – After noticing that Texas has been going through a spate of bad behavior that is clearly a sign of wanting adult attention, President Obama let the Lone Star State know that it is very, very special and the US would never forget them or take them for granted.
The signs of trouble began brewing over the summer, when Texas passed a law that would effectively close all but a handful of abortion clinics. The resulting protests from women’s organizations were followed closely by a voter ID law requiring documented proof of any name changes – a burden that many felt was an effort to discourage married women from voting. From there, things got worse. In Dallas, dozens of men brandishing weapons menaced a group of four mothers discussing gun control in a diner. Most recently, a conservative white Republican won a local election in Houston by using a direct mail campaign to mislead African-American voters that he was black.
Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said that while Texas is deep down a good state, it needs to learn how to deal with adversity like a grown up. “I know it’s been a tough time for Texas – what with gay marriage legalized and healthcare and immigration reform gaining steam. My daughter Malia is at the age when is prone to rebel against authority as well. Like I tell her, when things don’t go your way, adults work through their problems. They don’t go around shutting down the government.”
Governor Rick Perry vehemently denied allegations that Texas was “just going through a phase”. Speaking from the steps of the state Capitol, the erstwhile presidential candidate whose campaign was most noteworthy for one of the bigger debate gaffes in recent memory, said “We’re serious! We hate your Big Government, we hate your taxes, and we hate your healthcare.” Stomping his foot for emphasis, the important governor continued, “We want a place where we can hang out with Jesus and hoot people who disagree with us. And if we don’t get what we want – we’re just going to run away and form out own country and it’s going to be awesome. AND YOU CAN’T COME!”
The Governor then ran up to his office and locked the door.
After giving him some time to calm down, the President called Perry and told him that everyone values Texas’ oilfields and their little cowboy outfits and reassured them that everyone thought they were big tough guys and no one would ever, ever mess with them.