WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two weeks after the Washington Nationals officially shut down their perfectly healthy ace pitcher in the midst of a pennant race, Stephen Strasburg’s agent Scott Boras and Nats GM Mike Rizzo has now successfully lobbied with Nats manager Davey Johnson to force Strasburg to cryogenically freeze his arm until spring training.
“Safety is our number one concern here,” Boras said. “We just don’t want Stephen putting all that unnecessary wear and tear on his multi-million dollar arm now that he’s into his off-season. Who knows how beat up he’d look if he came back after a winter of using that arm to do things like drive, cook, type or do God knows what?”
Boras went on to gloat over his player-safety victory – the first, of course, being the arbitrary and restrictive innings limit the Nationals coaching staff placed upon Strasburg in his first season after Tommy John surgery. The limit forced Strasburg to check out of the starting rotation with nearly a month left in the regular season, with a return for the playoffs totally out of the question. Boras said that “although Stephen isn’t going to like it,” the cryogenic freezing tubes that will cover the entirety of his right arm and shoulder will be installed before the playoff season, so the tubes will be “the talk of the playoffs” as he sits helplessly on the bench.
Strasburg, who has no say in his fate or how he would like to handle his own 24-year-old body, said he hates to say it, “but I’m praying we don’t win the World Series. I’m not even gonna be able to act excited for my teammates with my arm in that fucking tube.” Boras said this was just as well, saying that “that shit is expensive, and the tubes are far from bulletproof. So it’s probably good he won’t be in the mood for raucous celebrations.”
“Look, I don’t think we’re really pushing the envelope that hard here,” Rizzo said, defensively. “If I really wanted to play hardball, we would have lobbied to have his whole body cryogenically frozen. I hardly considered anything that drastic.”
