TEHRAN, Iran — In a surprise announcement today, lame-duck Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed to have received a severe whipping at the hands of either a representative of the Iranian police force or an attractive woman wearing leather. The punishment occured either due to his violating Iranian election law or because he derives sexual gratification from the practice.
“I felt that it was time for me to receive my lashes,” said Ahmadinejad. “And so I voluntarily entered the chamber and, behind closed doors, proceeded to receive what I had coming to me.”
Ahmadinejad came under pressure recently when he accompanied Esfandiar Rahim Mashaei to the Interior Ministry so that Mashaei could register to be a candidate to succeed Ahmadinejad as president of Iran. This was seen as an overt endorsement of Mashaie’s campaign – an act that would go against Iranian election law, which bans individuals from supporting candidates in an official capacity. The punishment for such a crime can be up to six months in jail or 74 lashes.
“There’s no question he broke the law,” said Dr. Alireza Mourizadeh, director of the Centre for Arab and Iranian Studies in London. “Mashaei is a personal friend of the president and his chosen successor. The question was always what anyone was going to do about it. Were they going to give him 74 lashes? Would he enjoy it? Would the lashings be administered by a muscled, Iranian soldier determined to do his job, or by a hot, sexy, Westernized, dominatrix determined to do her job?”
Presidential hopeful Mashaei stood alongside his friend during the announcement. “I want all of Iran to know that my good friend went behind closed doors and did his country proud,” he said. “I have never seen a man receive his lashes in such a manner, and should he ever be in a position to be lashed thusly again yet unable to go through with said lashing, I will gladly take his place, as I look forward to gladly taking his place in other things.”
For his part, Ahmadinejad downplayed any speculation that he favored Mashaei in the upcoming race, even though the two have long been friends and Ahmadinejad’s son is married to Mashaei’s daughter. “I did not come here today to explain to all that Esfandlar is the best man to lead Iran in the coming years,” he said. “I came here to be whipped.”