WAZIRISTAN, Pakistan—Following the announcement of popular spy novelist Tom Clancy’s death at 66, Islamist terror organization al-Qaeda offered its sympathies for the Clancy family, and thanked the best-seller for his many colorful portrayals of death and suffering on American soil.
“We at the al-Qaeda family were deeply saddened to hear of Mr. Clancy’s passing yesterday,” a statement from al-Qaeda’s nominal leader Ayman al-Zawahiri read. “Mr. Clancy was a favorite of the jihadi movement for his vivid depictions of American cities being destroyed and infidels being murdered for their involvement in foreign affairs. He will be missed.”
al-Zawahiri fondly recalled “classic Clancy moments” such as a nuclear device detonating at the Super Bowl, Islamic fundamentalists gunning down dozens of people at a shopping mall, and the release of an Ebola super virus in the U.S., saying “[I]t’s doubtful we will see such exciting and uplifting scenes from another author anytime soon.”
“Who can forget the seminal moment in Debt of Honor when a 747 is flown into the Capitol building during a joint session of Congress? Truly an inspiration to us all,” al-Zawahiri noted.
The terrorist leader concluded by noting that while filling the gap left by Clancy would be difficult, they would make due by continuously replaying the sequence in Modern Warfare 3 where chemical attacks are launched on European capitals.
“We know it’s probably rotting our brains,” al-Zawahiri noted. “But it’s just so damn addictive.”