Al Qaeda Turns Out to Be More Informative Than CNN

NEW YORK — The surviving Boston bombing suspect has reportedly told investigators that he and his brother learned how to make their bombs from Inspire magazine, an online al Qaeda publication, inadvertently confirming that terrorists are better at journalism than CNN.

An archival edition of Inspire featured a story titled “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.” The article—which apparently was not an extended “your mom” joke—accurately describes how to make explosive devices with household ingredients. In contrast, CNN went on air and told viewers that authorities had apprehended a “dark-skinned male” on April 17, two days before any arrests actually took place.

Although his injuries have left him unable to speak, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, communicating via written messages, told investigators, “Inspire is my favorite magazine! I look forward to reading it every month, and I read it cover to cover. I can’t imagine them ever publishing something that wasn’t true just to be the first to say it. Also, where is my brother?”

In addition to falsely reporting that police had arrested a suspect, CNN has filled airtime by prattling on inanely and posing a series of idiotic questions. “How can you be a good person and a terrible person at the same time?”  asked CNN’s Chris Cuomo in an exchange with Philip Mudd, the former deputy director of the CIA’s Counterterrorist Center. 

Despite its complete and utter journalistic failure, CNN.com received more than 173 million page views, and the network scored its best ratings for covering a non-political event since 2003.