KARACHI, Pakistan – Senior Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is horrified at the indignity suffered by his group’s members in Guantanamo Bay. The terrorist mastermind said the facility’s denial of habeas corpus exposed the real face of American tyranny. He said if the Great Satan had any respect it would decapitate the inmates, like Al-Qaeda linked groups are wont to do with American citizens they have kidnapped.
“Really it just comes down to whether or not you are a true gentleman,” Zawahiri clarified. “No American in our custody has ever gone on a hunger strike. Granted that’s because we chopped off their head, but still the point remains.”
As an example of the benevolence of Islamic jihad compared to the oppressive American system of justice, Zawahiri showed how when militant Islam ruled northern Mali, not one of the nine men they forcibly amputated in Gao were ever subjected to enhanced interrogation methods.
“It’s really despicable” Zawahiri said, “I mean do these people have no respect? I heard some of these inmates were even forced to listen to Limp Bizkit. Sure, we’ve killed innocent men, women, and children, but we have never done anything that sinister.”
Zawahiri explained that if the West ever wanted to regain the moral high ground, it needed to begin a program of public lashings and brutal decapitations, rather than just denying suspects their right to a trail by jury.
“I just hope that one day I will live in a world where, in a system that claims to care about equality under the law and religious tolerance, miscarriages of justice don’t force hard-working terror suspects to begin going on more and more hunger strikes,” Zawahiri said wistfully, “Oh, the humanity.”