Allen West Excited to Take Insane Ranting to Private Sector

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida Congressman Allen West has had a difficult time finding employment after losing a hotly-contested congressional race earlier this month. But the former marine says he’s excited to try out his trademark brand of reckless conservatism in the public sector.

According to network insiders, Comedy Central considered approaching West for a pilot, but the network could not determine if West’s ranting about communist homosexuals was genuine or satirical.

“At first we thought Allen West was a comedic genius; something in the vein of Tim and Eric,” explained Head of Development Sheena Forsyth. “A black ultraconservative who’s racist against black people? As a character, it’s amazing social commentary. But when you realize Allen’s serious, it becomes a lot less funny.”

West assumed he would have a spot at Fox News after his tenure in office, but the conservative cable monolith believed West to be too unstable for live television.

West was able to briefly secure a job as a dog walker, but was fired after verbally accosting a French Bulldog for being a European socialist, hell-bent on raising taxes.

“Everyone was screaming ‘It’s just a dog!’” said West, “but I don’t see how that’s any excuse.”

West has posted an ad on the Washington, D.C. Craigslist for any employers seeking “a red-blooded American patriot.” Under the special skills section of his resume, West lists “screaming, emotional ranting, liberal-bashing, conspiracy theories, and bemoaning the state of America.” West does clarify, however, that he will not engage in “rational dialogue” or “any gay stuff.”

Show CommentsClose Comments

1 Comment

Comments are closed.