PALM BEACH GARDENS, Fla. – Former Republican Congressman Allen West—currently under fire for including numerous, allegedly fake quotations from the Founding Fathers in his new book, “Guardian of the Republic”—is claiming that he “absolutely did not make up” the words he attributes to men like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington. Instead, West says that the Founding Fathers “speak to him directly, from beyond the grave,” with the help of “spirit medium” Laura, host of “The Virtual Séance” Internet radio and TV show.
West says that, since losing his congressional seat to Democrat Patrick Murphy in 2012, he has been holding weekly séances in his family room where he participates in “lively conversations with the Founding Fathers about the sad state of America.”
“As I suspected, ‘the gang,’ as I like to call them, told me that America is in mortal danger,” West claims. “They said that Obama is planning a communist takeover, and that’s why he rigged my election in 2012 and pushed me out, because he knew I was the only one who could stop it.”
“They also really don’t understand the Internet,” West added.
Historians who have reviewed “Guardian of the Republic”—which, among other things, outlines West’s “warrior code”—say that many of the quotations West attributes to the Founding Fathers and other prominent American figures like Abraham Lincoln are “erroneous” and cannot be found in any historical documents or records. West, however, does not argue with that fact.
“Sure—they didn’t say these things while they were alive,” West recently said in defense of his writings. “But these quotes are even better, because they said them so recently, in some cases just a few months ago. Laura can back me up on all of this.”
The spirit medium declined to comment on the controversy, except to say that private, in-home séances are “extremely accurate,” only cost $500 an hour and can be booked through her website.
West, who has worked as a Fox News commentator since his ouster from Congress, also acknowledged that it is “eerie” how closely the Founding Fathers’ post-death political views mirror his own. “When Jefferson told me that ‘A government big enough to give you anything you want is also big enough to take it away,’ I thought, ‘Good God, I couldn’t have put it better myself,’” West said. “Seriously—there’s not one issue we disagree over. I guess you get pretty smart after like 200 years of being dead.”
Fox News executives are reportedly exploring the possibility of bringing West’s “talent for communicating with American heroes” to a nightly call-in program. “We envision an hour-long spot where Fox News viewers can call in and speak to the Founders through Allen,” said network President Roger Ailes. “Americans would love chatting with Patrick Henry or James Madison about politics and the latest episodes of ‘True Detective,’ and Allen’s the man who can make it happen.”
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And most of them are trying to get him back where they think he belongs. In their cotton fields.
Is this a joke?