SEATTLE – Still in the holiday spirit, Amazon today announced plans to compensate all of its customers affected by the UPS and FedEx delivery delays with personal sweatshop laborers that will “expeditiously craft items that may not otherwise reach their destinations before the New Year.”
“Amazon prides itself on customer satisfaction,” said the company’s CEO Jeff Bezos, “but due to the gross incompetence of UPS and FedEx, that sense of consumer fulfillment has been compromised.”
UPS admitted “the volume of air packages in [their] system exceeded the capacity of [their] network” and FedEx, its rival carrier, referred to the volume of this holiday season’s online orders as an “extraordinary event.”
“Amazon will rectify the situation immediately without cutting any corners,” continued Bezos. He went on to offer Amazon customers “ready-to-go” workers that will assemble everything from clothes to toys. Amazon will handpick the employees from local grocery stores and farmers’ markets in order to avoid legal issues associated with importing workers from Asia or South America.
“They’ll be at your doorstep in the blink of an eye,” continued Bezos, “equipped with sewing machines and those nimble little hands of theirs. Didn’t get your J. Crew sweater in time for Christmas? Well guess what, Alessandra will whip up that shirt for you in a matter of minutes so you can show it off at your New Year’s Eve party.”
“This is why I love Amazon,” said Chicago resident Randy Klopeck, a proud member of Amazon Prime, the service that guarantees two-day-shipping of products. “They don’t make excuses; they solve problems.”
Bezos went on to explain that Amazon customers who felt “awkward about having a young, unfamiliar child in their living room” will not have to accept the company’s generous offer. “We respect our customers’ choices. But they should know that leaving delivery in the hands of UPS and FedEx is a dangerous proposition. These packages could easily be delayed another week or so. Who has time to wait that long?”
In addition to the complimentary sweatshop labor, the online retailer will provide $20 Amazon gift cards to affected customers and waive all shipping fees associated with delayed orders. “We’ll even cover the workers’ bus fares,” said Bezos. “Meals, though, we can’t do.”