WASHINGTON–The Arab Spring germinated the seeds of democracy in nations like Egypt, Libya, and Syria. Decades of totalitarian repression have proven too much for freedom-loving peoples in the Middle East and Northern Africa to tolerate, and with the help of social media, they have thrown off the bonds of despotism.
Many of these peoples’ uprisings have gained support from American politicians who say they are excited about the prospect of propping up new repressive dictators in place of the old ones.
“Maintaining a healthy sphere of influence is about keeping things fresh,” explained one member of the House Armed Services Committee. “Kaddafi? What is this, 1994? No thank you. So you foment a little insurrection here, poison a finance minister there, and ta-da! Things are just right to promote some handsome young general with a spotty human rights record and a love of blue jeans.”
“We love democratically-elected governments,” said CIA Director David Patraeus in an interview with 60 Minutes. “They’re so much easier to subvert so you can install a brutal, American-friendly dictator.”
Several members of the media have questioned how the United States can claim to love democracy and freedom so much while simultaneously working to subvert these very institutions abroad.
“Sure, democracy is great,” said House Majority Leader John Boehner, “best thing in the world besides cheap gas and a buddy who lets you build strategically-positioned airstrips on his borders.”
Throughout the heartland, the enthusiasm over nation-unbuilding is palpable. “These are very exciting times,” said Ray Perkins of the conservative Heritage Foundation. “Overthrowing a democratically-elected government and then forgetting why that nation hates you is a tradition as American as baseball or apple pie.”
But some within intelligence community are cautious moving forward. “We’re really out of practice,” an anonymous CIA field operative confided to Newslo. “I mean, the last time we overthrew an Iranian Prime Minister was like fifty years ago. But rest assured we’ve still got it.”