WASHINGTON — To the shock of absolutely no one, Republican Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin this week unveiled his brand new budget plan, which once again proposed to fix all of the nation’s ills by eliminating Obamacare.
“What is it, like the fifth time he’s tried this? The sixth?” Asked Congressman Xavier Becerra (D-CA). “His silly Path to Prosperity tried it in 2011 and was laughed at. Then he ran on it in 2012 and got hammered. Now he brings it back? Seriously, does the guy have any new ideas at all?”
Asked why Ryan continues to propose repealing the Affordable Care Act after the Supreme Court voted to uphold it and America voters voiced their support of the Act in November by reelecting President Obama, he was resolute. “So just because the election didn’t go our way, that means we’re supposed to change our principles? A budget is supposed to be a display of your vision. Our vision is a world without Obamacare.”
In Ryan’s new budget, again titled The Path to Prosperity, the elimination of the Affordable Care Act (known colloquially as Obamacare) results in a net savings of $1.8 trillion. However, the Congressional Budget Office released a report in June stating that repealing the Affordable Care Act would actually cost the government over $100 billion. When asked to explain this discrepancy, Ryan uttered one of the greatest Freudian slips of all time. “We’re not going to give up on destroying the health care system,” he said.
Democratic reaction to Ryan’s budget ranged from rolling eyes to barely-controlled snickers. “If it’s a day ending in ‘Y’ then Paul Ryan must be trying to repeal Obamacare,” said Congressman David Cicilline (D-RI). “I think the truth is he’s a big fan of the Act and is consumed with guilt over it. Sort of like how closet homosexuals are always the loudest anti-gay bigots.”
Pressed for an official reaction, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi sent recent college graduate (U.C. Santa Barbara, class of 2011) and current Staff Assistant Adela Amador to the podium. “Oh wow. Hi everyone,” said the Poli Sci major. “Those lights are really bright, aren’t they? Uhm, well, so Nancy says that Ryan’s budget is, like, totally stupid. I’ve got copies of her remarks from the last seventeen times the GOP tried to get rid of it if anyone wants them.”
Nobody in the press pool bothered to take her up on the offer.