ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — In a stunning turn of events, the American people appear to be completely unfazed by the fact that a New Mexico man threw semen at two women in a Walmart last month – a crime many concede would have generated media coverage and sparked public outrage in years past.
The assault, believed to be the first to feature a genital-based bodily fluid as a weapon, instead registered as a mere blip on the news cycle when it was perpetrated three weeks ago, and has completely been ignored since. A recent report from the Pew Research Center suggests that, after over a decade in which Americans have had to adjust to war, torture, domestic spying and reality television, most citizens do not even react when their dignity or self respect is affronted – and forget the incident in an alarmingly short amount of time.
“Yeah, I vaguely remember that” said Maggie Atchinson, a victim of the assault. “I think I was outraged that someone would do something like that to another human being. Gross. But then we had the Russian meteor, sequestration, that Rodman character. I mean, what a wacko…What were we talking about again?”
Lt. Jose Hernandez, who responded to the initial assault, counts this as one of the more baffling crimes he has ever investigated. “We still haven’t determined whether this man ejaculated in the store before he threw his semen at the victims, or if he did it prior into a cup and had it at the ready. Frankly, I don’t know which is worse.” Though he reached out to the public for information and assistance, he has been met with general disinterest.
“You’d think that an assault of this kind, even though nobody was injured, would trigger calls for swift action. But people really seemed to take it in stride. Most of my time now is spent breaking up Harlem Shake parodies on public property.”
A man who calls himself Johnny Rottenseed and claims to have committed the acts, contacted KOAT – TV in Albuquerque in an attempt to rekindle some interest in his testes-generated crime. “I was trying to do a Son of Sam-like thing with them, to get them to serve as my mouthpiece to the public. I thought they would jump at the chance for a great scoop,” said Mr. Rottenseed. “But all they said was ‘that was like, three weeks ago.”
He added: “It goes to show, peoples’ standards have really lowered. I blame Obama.”