American Airlines Banking on “We’re Pretty Much Fucked, But Fly Us Anyway” Platform

NEW YORK — American Airlines recently announced a bold new campaign that acknowledges to its customers that, as a company, they’re “pretty much fucked.” The ailing airline, in bankruptcy protection since last November, hopes that by appealing to its customers’ pity, they will be able to recover their business while no longer bothering to solve their myriad problems.

“We’re sending a message to our customers,” said American Airlines CEO Tom Horton. “What we’re basically saying is, ‘Look, guys, it’s been almost a year and, try as we might, we really can’t get our shit together. But if you meet us halfway, we can give you a relatively fun, technically safe, and sort of efficient flight experience.’”

As part of this new initiative, many of American Airlines’ airports, including O’Hare International in Chicago, are renovating their lobby space to house attractions that include fine dining, shopping, and entertainment for children, as a way to offset customer frustration over countless canceled flights since last November. “Think of it this way,” said Horton. “It’s not a delayed flight so much as a chance to visit an elegant, beautifully-restored airport lobby for a few hours.”

Another method involves a reimagining of the airline’s faulty seating on the planes themselves. Rather than going through the expense of properly securing the seats to the planes, American Airlines is reportedly spinning the faulty seating into a sort of exciting amusement park ride of its own. Coach seats, under this new plan, come with the added benefit of randomly unhinging and sliding back and forth along the plane during flight—without any additional cost to the customer. “Or, for a little more money, you can take a first-class seat,” added Horton, “a properly-secured first-class seat that doesn’t slide around on the plane. Yeah, I know, right? Booooooring.”

The airline recently began airing a commercial that, in keeping with the theme of not being able to do any better under extreme desperation, utilizes a reworking of Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit song “Call Me Maybe.” The jingle levels with customers, “Hey, we’re a bankrupted airline/ and this is crazy/ your plane might crash/ but fly us maybe”