DALLAS, Texas — In an unprecedented act of charity, the American Heart Association has decided to put a team of paramedics on standby outside of Matt Drudge’s house on election day.
This type of good will is outside of the AHA’s normal procedures, but executives believe that given Drudge’s influence over the media, the move is essential for the well-being of American journalism.
“If Barack Obama wins re-election, there is a strong chance that Matt Drudge will have a heart attack,” said AHA chief executive Nancy Brown. “Since every news organization just checks Drudge and re-writes the most ‘clicky’ stories, his good health is essential for the survival of journalism.”
On any given day, millions of visitors can see pictures of Barack Obama eating babies, and Mitt Romney carrying elderly women across the street. His headlines like: “Obama Vows To Reinstate Nazi Germany” and “Genealogists Discover Romney Is Direct Descendant Of God” aim to influence voter opinion as forcefully as possible.
The AHA will dispatch a team of paramedics to Drudge’s Miami apartment on the morning of Election Day, and they will be equipped with everything necessary to save him from a stroke or heart attack. The paramedics also vow to stay on standby no matter how long it takes to announce a presidential winner.
In response to the AHA’s generosity, Drudge said he would rather have a heart attack and die if Obama wins re-election, but he appreciates the AHA’s support anyway.