Americans Fear Kim Jong-un’s Plan to Attack United States, but Just Can’t Resist Those Chubby Cheeks

PYONGYANG — North Korea’s latest threats against the international community, and the United States in particular, have left many worried whether the rogue nation might actually follow through on an attack. But while the vast majority of Americans agree that they find the prospect of a nuclear North Korea with long-range rocket capabilities harrowing, many just can’t resist Supreme Leader Kim Jung-un’s doughy, rollie pollie cheeks.

“The idea of a nuclear North Korea with advanced weaponry is terrifying. There’s no predicting what Kim Jong-un might do with long-range rockets and nukes. But when I see him walk on stage all chubby and cute, I just want to go to town on those cheeks like a Jewish grandmother at a Bar Mitzvah,” said 27-year-old Joan Davis, before trailing off and making unintelligible baby-talk noises.

“I find his regime disgusting, but I find his perpetual schoolboy-on-picture-day look to be a real treat,” agreed 43-year-old Alan Davies, a tax attorney and father of two.

Even outgoing Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta has stated that while Kim Jung-un has made it clear that under his regime will be no kinder or gentler than Kim Jong-il’s, there are times he can’t help but finding their new Supreme Leader flat-out adorable.

“North Korea’s actions over the last week serve as proof that Kim Jung-un is every bit as ruthless and untrustworthy as his father,” said Panetta. “Still, something about that ‘Little Rascals’ haircut and puppy dog face make me think, man, he can’t be all bad.”