Americans Glad Zimmerman Trial is Only Thing Happening in the World

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — With the second-degree murder trial of Floridian George Zimmerman now in its third week, Americans are glad that absolutely nothing else is happening in the world. Since the trial’s opening statements, apparently, all other news has stopped, leaving Americans to fret and argue over Zimmerman’s fate without having to deal with depressing distractions.

“It’s so nice that the rest of the world has been so calm and quiet during the trial,” said Arnold Lewis, an Indiana resident. Lewis says he has spent the last few weeks watching 24/7 coverage of the trial on CNN Headline News, save for short bathroom- and napping-breaks. “Sometimes the news is so depressing. Thank God there haven’t been any tragic plane crashes or train derailments lately—that really would have put a damper on the Rachel Jeantil testimony. Now that was a disaster!”

Other Americans are happy that the political turmoil that had been rocking the Middle East since the Arab Spring suddenly calmed once Zimmerman’s trial got underway. “Nobody ever talks about the Syrian civil war these days, so I guess those folks worked out their differences,” said Johanna Burns of Buffalo, NY. “Which makes me really happy. Now, as soon as Zimmerman gets convicted, all will be right with the world.”

Ms. Burns said she is also relieved that Egypt’s post-Mubarak government is holding strong, and that the murder rate in America has dropped to zero. “It really is a wonderful world,” Burns said.

National media have been devoting large blocks of programming to coverage of Zimmerman’s trial since it began June 25, and network producers say it’s been an easy few weeks.

“I can’t tell you how relaxing this job has become lately,” said Peter Hampton, a producer with CNN. “Since the Zimmerman trial is the only thing worthy of note happening on planet Earth, all we have to do is sit back with our feet up and play the live feed of the trial, then bring on some assholes to argue over which side’s winning. I’m not even sure what I get paid for anymore.”