Americans Resent Having to Turn to Books for Answers

NEW YORK — Forced to try and gain perspective on revelations made public by whistleblower Edward Snowden, Americans could not be unhappier that they have to turn to works of literature that focus on humanity amidst dystopia.

“Just tell me, should I be pissed at the government or this guy [Snowden]?” said Eric Masters, an IT expert who lives in Yonkers, N.Y. “Don’t make me have to look at a page to figure that out … like I’m some asshole high school student.”

The week that Snowden disclosed classified material on top secret NSA programs, at least three editions of George Orwell’s novel “1984” broke into Amazon’s top 200. Likewise, Ray Bradbury’s “Fahrenheit 451” hit No. 75 and Aldous Huxley’s “Brave New World” reached No. 210 on Wednesday.

“This ends with a goddamn orgy and a guy hanging himself,” said Margo Crimden, a Brooklyn native who works at Macy’s flagship store, as she waved around a copy of “Brave New World.” “So, what, I’m supposed to invite my upstairs neighbors over for a suckfest, then hope my building’s superintendent decides to take his life?”

Added a visibly frustrated Crimden, “Just eat a brick of dogshit, Huxley.”

Even President Barack Obama has referenced one of the increasingly popular titles. “In the abstract, you can complain about Big Brother and how this is a potential program run amok, but when you actually look at the details, then I think we’ve struck the right balance,” said Obama, defending the NSA’s surveillance of the Internet.

“But should I complain about Big Brother?” said Masters. “Or should I love Big Brother? Was Winston truly happy or did his individuality finally collapse beneath the weight of totalitarianism? I just spent three shitty days reading this and have gained nothing.”

Masters threw his copy of “1984” to the ground and stomped on it. “If I knew how hot I’d have to make my oven in order to burn this book, I’d do it in a second.”