America’s Poor Thrilled to Bear Brunt of Sequestration Pain

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – America’s poorest citizens are greeting with excitement news that many of the federal programs keeping them sheltered, clothed and fed will be cut now that sequestration has taken effect. The mandatory, across-the-board spending cuts will, according to many analysts, be felt most palpably by low income families, who are calling the situation “just awesome.”

Mary Collins, a single working mother in Dayton, Ohio, said she can’t wait to lose the fortified baby formula she uses to feed her eight-month old. “I mean, who needs it, right? Well, actually, my daughter might need it, but I recognize that her health is less important than keeping corporate taxes low, so I’m cool with it.”

Also at risk is a program that gives housing vouchers to the poor and disabled. Thomas Fuller, a disabled Vietnam veteran who currently relies on the program to pay for housing, said he’s “pretty pumped” about his imminent homelessness. “Who knows? Maybe it’ll be fun living on the streets like a dog.”

“I’m pretty scrappy, even without my legs,” Mr. Fuller continued. “I think I’ll hold my own when fighting other homeless people for garbage can food.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development estimates that about 120,000 individuals and families—a large percentage of whom work multiple jobs, but still struggle to make rent—might be forced into homelessness because of the sequestration cuts. “This is no laughing matter,” a spokesperson for the department said. “But at least they’ll get to spend plenty of time outdoors, mostly on park benches and huddling under bridges.”

Gary Moore, of Shreveport, Louisiana, said he too understands why his son will no longer be able to attend Head Start, another program likely to be crippled by the cuts. “The education of my children is the least of my worries,” Mr. Moore said. “What’s really important is that Mr. Bower (the man who employs Moore as a groundkeeper) not be forced to suffer the indignity of a 20% capital gains tax.”

Also on the chopping block are programs that deliver hot meals to the elderly, help pregnant women, and assist the unemployed in finding new jobs—programs the needy say they’re “totally stoked” to give up, especially because members of Congress—whose inaction triggered the sequestration cuts—will not see a reduction in their salaries. “They’re just better people than we are,” Ms. Collins said. “It’s only fair.”