GAZA CITY — CNN correspondent Anderson Cooper is currently stationed on top of a live missile in Gaza, where he could potentially be violently propelled into the sky at any moment, once again risking life and limb to provide viewers with the most up-to-date on-the-spot coverage of foreign conflicts.
During his tenure at CNN, Cooper has amassed a reputation for reporting from harrowing situations, having placed himself in harm’s way during Hurricane Katrina, the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, and the Arab Spring of 2011. During the recent flare up between Israel and Palestine, Cooper reported live from Gaza as a loud explosion erupted in the background. However, Cooper has not shied away from danger following the incident, as he now finds himself as close to the conflict as humanly possible.
“I cannot reveal my exact location for the protection of myself and my crew,” said Cooper, standing stoically atop an Israeli missile, carefully tip-toeing the thin line between hard-nosed journalism and a David Blaine-esque test of human limitations. “But I assure you that this missile is aimed at an enemy target, and could potentially be fired at any moment. This is some risky, risky shit. Just in case that was unclear.”
According to ballistics expert Damon Drexler, if the missile is launched, the consequences for Cooper could be grim.
“Mr. Cooper should be fine so long as he removes himself from the top of the missile before it’s fired,” said Drexler. “However, if the missile is fired with Mr. Cooper on top of it, I imagine he would likely be launched to a swift, untimely death, not completely unlike the terrorist super villain Salim Abu Aziz at the conclusion of the popular nineties action-comedy film ‘True Lies.'”