Dear Pity Party,

I understand that there is an election approaching, and I am still undecided. I guess I am a political “moderate.” I don’t want Obama to personally steal my guns, but on the other hand I couldn’t stand to see a Mormon in the White House. Who should I vote for?

Mormons chose the wrong religion,
Locked & Loaded & Ready to Vote It

Well, that certainly is a “loaded” question!

I realize that neighborhood kids probably give you a lot of flak for somehow remaining undecided this late in the game. They probably graffiti the side of your car with inflammatory statements bringing your sexual orientation into question, or siphon the gasoline from your tank, and use that gasoline to ignite flaming bags of anthrax on your front porch.

Some just don’t understand how wonderful it feels to have the most powerful people in the country occupy themselves with making you happy for even just the one solid month before the election.

Furthermore, I share your enthusiasm for guns. I have been involved in far too many gunfights with authority figures, though they usually don’t know who I am. Plus, one time, a vicious little monkey escaped from the zoo and somehow made it into my gun locker. I have actually been robbed with my own guns numerous times. But I still feel safer with guns, and that is what I will take into the voting center. For self-defense.

And in the end, you do need to vote – you don’t want to be home come lunchtime on a Tuesday, when those neighborhood kids start smoking in your bedroom and you just don’t do anything because they’re minors and there are more of them than you. You can further appease them by just picking the fair-weather candidate. Sometimes, when things aren’t going right in your life, it just feels good to pick a winner, you know? Unfortunately, this race is still too close to call.

I will say, however, that Mitt Romney nearly lost my vote when – and he probably doesn’t even remember this – he shaved my head and strapped me to the roof of his campaign bus. On the other hand, the Obama administration did have me detained without trial since the end of September. They thought I was plotting a terrorist attack, for some reason.

Well, the stated reason was possession of anthrax. It was all over my shoes.

Hope that helped,
Andrew Purman

Need advice? Send me pics of ur dick ANDYPURMAN@newsmakeup.com YOLO smoking weed in your bedroom, Mr. Purman I do not respect u

I’ll do my best to help!