Dear Pity Party,

There is blood everywhere! He was just putting the star on the Christmas tree, oh sweet Jesus! I thought the safety was off!

Don’t call the police!

Shotgun Jane

Janet,

Before I begin addressing your concerns, I should note that I send and receive e-mail non-electronically. At the moment, I cannot afford Internet services – or even electricity, for that matter. However, my neighbor’s children have learned my password, and like to print out my emails and post them around town for their amusement and my humiliation, which are often one in the same (they have subscribed me to mailing lists for multiple white supremacist pornography sites).

I found this one posted on the Town Hall bulletin board. From the date on this printout, your accident occurred five days ago. By the time Newslo receives this letter and uploads it to the Pity Party blog, at least a week will have passed.

So, no, there is probably no need to call the police.

As I’ve noted before, I am the owner of several guns, and have been shot by more than several guns. So, I am not merely “putting on airs” when I describe myself as a firearm safety and DIY surgery expert (partly because I cannot afford airs).

First, let’s cover firearm safety. Many will argue that “firearm safety” refers to the precautions taken to reduce the likelihood of injuring or killing someone with your gun. This makes no sense: guns are designed exclusively for that purpose. And that is how they keep you safe.

The most important thing to remember is that your gun should be fully loaded at all times. Keep it cocked and in an easily accessed hiding spot, like your waistband, under your pillow, mounted on the floor, or in a cookie jar. You never know who will be squatting in your apartment when you get home.

Now, on to DIY surgery. Literally any wound can be cauterized using aluminum foil and a butane torch. Remember that aluminum has a low specific heat, so you will most likely need to torch the foil directly onto your arm. If this somehow does not work, you may consider enlisting the services of hobo surgeons, who are often referred to as “medicinal MacGyvers” within the boxcar community. Be prepared to pay a hefty sum in the form of shredded tobacco and turpentine.

Remember to use earthworms to fight infection. They are the leeches of the dirt.

Good luck in the future, and I’m sorry for your loss,

Andy Purman

Need advice? Join the Pity Party by emailing [email protected]. I’ll do my best to help!*

* You may want to include racial and graphic images in your message, as this will increase the amount of places my neighbor’s kids will post it around town, making it more likely for me to find your question.