Dear Pity Party,
I had a total brain fart and thought Black Friday was on a Sunday this year. I know about Cyber Monday, but Internet shopping doesn’t allow me to strike down competing shoppers with malice and fury, which is really the whole selling point. Is there some way to virtually trample a stranger while still getting a great deal on a Tamagotchi or whatever, or do I have to go trample people at the Goodwill?
– Cletus “Cleats” Jacobsen
First of all, let me assure you that you did not miss much on Black Friday. I tried to take advantage of Kardis Health Insurance’s Super Savings deal. I camped out all night and, as soon as the doors opened, I was crushed by a stampede of poor and sick people. In addition to my many bruises and fractures, I think I may have caught something from one of them, because my heart stops momentarily every time I whimper.
Obviously, Kardis couldn’t afford to cover someone in my state of health.
But it seems you are determined to do the crushing. This may put you at a smaller risk of catching disease from the poor and sick shoppers at Goodwill. However, it will only put you at odds with the college kids, who frequent thrift shops to find unique and hilarious accessories for their theme parties and do not take kindly to someone moving in on their turf, taking their semi-ironic patriotic T-shirts.
Now, normally I don’t condone violence, but it would be nice to be able to shop at the thrift stores without being forced to chug Smirnoff Ices or hot sauce. With my recent health issues and daily tributes to my neighbor Justice, I just can’t afford to shop at “name brand” boutiques like Wal-Mart.
And this is why I am suggesting that you and I team up. I will offer you a monopoly on combat engagement with the students, while I attempt to purchase as many sweaters and blankets as possible for use in my unheated apartment with broken windows, and maybe some ammunition, if they sell that at Goodwill.
Meet me at the apartment complex on the corner of Martin Luther King Drive and 5th street. I’m in Apartment 1218, though someone removed the numbers and replaced them with 69 and a Sharpie drawing of a swastika.
Giddily awaiting your arrival,
EDIT: Please don’t post this exchange. Cletus “Cleats” showed up at my home and trampled me for nearly two hours. Then he left with my microwave and all of my Tupperware, even though I told him it wasn’t microwaveable. I don’t want those local college kids to find out I conspired against them, or they’ll probably levy a tax on me, or make me drink cheap liquor, which would undermine all of my expensive antibiotics.
Need advice? Join the Pity Party by emailing ANDYPURMAN@newsmakeup.com. I’ll do my best to help!*
* I don’t know who used my email when they published a Craigslist ad offering “rim jobs” at discount for the holiday season, but it is not clever, and I don’t know much about cars anyway, so joke’s on you.