Another Cheney Set to Destroy Republican Party for Personal Gain

JACKSON HOLE, Wyo. — Liz Cheney, daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney, has begun preparations to launch a 2014 primary challenge to current Wyoming Senator Michael Enzi, all but guaranteeing decimation of the entire Wyoming State Republican Party and sully the brand for generations to come, just like her father.

“Growing up in the home of unadulterated evil, I’ve learned a thing or two about putting my own petty self-interests ahead of the greater good,” said Cheney. “That’s why I’m going to rip apart Enzi, drag him through the mud, and ruin his career in order to get my almost unelectable name on the ballot.”

Many Republican leaders in Wyoming initially expressed surprise when word spread that Cheney was planning on bumping off Enzi, a popular incumbent and life-long friend of her father who has a 92 percent rating from the American Conservative Union. “We love Liz, and have always assumed she’d find her place here, but to primary Mike now will bring about the destruction of the Republican Party in Wyoming,” warned former Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson. “Of course, then we remembered that she was a Cheney, so we were all like, well duh.”

The fear is that a race between the popular Enzi and the powerful and much-feared Cheney family would split Republican donors down the middle. If a primary were to turn nasty, it could damage the eventual winner enough that a Democratic candidate could secure as much as 35 or even 40% of the statewide vote in deeply-red Wyoming.

Senator Enzi confirmed that Cheney called him to let him know that she was considering a primary against him. “She said she’s looking at it,” he said, shoulders drooping and chest deflated. “I asked her what I’d done to her to warrant this, and she said it was nothing personal, but that she needed my Senate seat and wouldn’t stop at gouging out my eyes to get it.”

“She’s her father’s daughter, alright,” he added.

Attempts to speak with Ms. Cheney for this story were unsuccessful. Attempts to speak with former Vice President Dick Cheney were unadvised.