Apocalypse-Conscious New York Families Enjoy Mayan Advent Calendars

NEW YORK — It’s an annual tradition for many families this time of year: counting down to Christmas Day with the help of an advent calendar. However, many homes have altered the tradition this December to countdown to a different day: December 21, the day of catastrophe predicted by the Mayans thousands of years ago.

The countdown to apocalypse calendars work much like conventional advent calendars: each date has its own specific window, and one window is opened each day until doomsday arrives on December 21. Each window has a little piece of survival-advice along with a bonus surprise.

“For only $199.99, you can head into the apocalypse with confidence,” states one Mayan calendar radio commercial. “This is easily the smartest investment you can make before judgment day. Do you really think your money will be useful when the planet is ablaze and it’s every human for themselves?”

Mayan calendars have been flying off the shelves in recent weeks. Lou Hodges, an auto mechanic from Detroit, made the purchase with his children in mind: “I used to buy the Christmas calendars with little chocolates inside, and my kids loved it. But I need my kids to be ready for the looming chaos on 12/21. December 1st, my kids opened up the first window. It said, ‘Aim small, miss small,’ and it came with a bullet inside. I took their silence and perplexed faces as a moment of realization and deep contemplation.”

Stephanie Watters is a little more unsure of her decision to purchase a Mayan calendar for her family: “Our Mayan calendar said, ‘Euthanize the elderly and store their bodies in freezers. Their organs and meat will be useful to survive the devastation.’ Who knows, it’s possibly good advice. But that certainly was a bit awkward for my father to hear his grandson read out loud. I made sure to throw away the cyanide pill that came inside.”

In addition to Mayan calendars, many companies are also selling flame-thrower menorahs, allowing Jewish families to celebrate Hanukkah while warding off cannibal raids.