Area 51 Besieged by Protesters Following Supreme Court Ruling on Buffer Zones

GROOM LAKE, Nev.—Following the Supreme Court’s Ruling Thursday that overly broad buffer zones outside abortion clinics violate the First Amendment, thousands descended upon the infamous Area 51 in southern Nevada.

“Now that buffer zones are officially unconstitutional, we finally have the authority in writing to see for ourselves what our government is doing at Area 51,” said self-described UFO-logist Kevin Fowley, 36, just one of hundreds of protesters who have crossed the secure perimeter to gain access to the installation. “Let’s just see those little Eichmanns try and stop me when I wave this SCOTUSblog summary in their faces.”

Area 51—officially Air Force Flight Test Center, Detachment 3—is an object of fascination among conspiracy theorists for its alleged connection to extraterrestrial visitors. The enigmatic facility has notoriously tight security, including a miles-long buffer zone constantly monitored by CCTV, sensors, and armed security. The government publicly acknowledged the existence of Area 51 last August.

Although McCullen v. Coakley struck down a Massachusetts law pertaining to abortion clinics and likely has no impact for secure government locations, the legion of paranormal investigators remains unbowed. Many appear convinced that the ruling grants the public access or near-access to the infamous installation.

“We’re finally going to take our country back,” said 40-year-old Jack Douglas, wearing a T-shirt with the words “I Want to Believe.” “Finally, the truth about what really happened at Roswell. Not to mention what happened to Elvis and Tupac. I bet Obama’s real birth certificate is in there too. This is going to be the greatest day of my life.”

At press time, private military contractors with M16s ordered the protesters to halt.