Arizona Governor Signs No Gun Left Behind Bill

PHOENIX — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer on Monday signed legislation saving the lives of thousands of guns removed from the state’s streets through municipal buy-back programs. Instead of destroying the innocent firearms in a symbolic, if graphic, statement against gun violence, towns and villages across the state are now required by law to resell the guns, ensuring that the firearms have a chance to return home to communities that tried to dispose of them.

“Today is one the proudest days of my political career,” said Governor Brewer. “For too long has Arizona turned a blind eye to the untold suffering of these guns. Well no longer! Their silent cries are silent no longer, and they are now free to practice their Second Amendment rights to have their voices heard in every school, movie theater, or shopping mall in Arizona!”

While opponents of the new measure pointed out that the entire purpose of gun buy-back programs is to get guns off the street in the first place, the measure’s backers disagree. “This is about finding new and innovative ways to raise revenue in these difficult times,” said Republican State Representative Brenda Barton, author of the measure. “When we purchase a used and possibly faulty assault rifle from a member of a community, it is our fiscal duty to turn around and sell it back to that community at bargain-basement prices. Anything else would just be silly.”

The measure, approved by the State House in March before passing the Senate by an 18-12 vote, had the support of the National Rifle Association. “We applaud the State of Arizona for its progressive stance on the rights of guns to coexist with human beings,” said Brent Gardner from the NRA’s Institute for Legislative Action. “Governor Brewer has stopped the wholesale slaughter of thousands of guns that can now look forward to a long and productive life of shooting things.

“Hopefully not people,” he added. “But if they do shoot someone, well, can you blame them with the way guns are under attack these days? It would probably have been in self-defense.”

Street thug David Miller was pleased with the economics of the new law, and felt it would go far towards reducing street crime. “I go sell the cops a few of my guns for a ton of money, then I buy the same guns back a while later at a fraction of what I sold them for,” he explained. “I’m going to make so much money off of this, I may never have to mug someone again!”

Democratic State Senator Steve Gallardo, a strong opponent of the bill, was resigned to measure’s passage. “I really thought we had a chance in the wake of the Connecticut shootings to, if not to move forward on gun control, at least not move backwards,” he said. “But once the Republicans pushed that Gun Personhood Amendment through the State House last week, the writing was on the wall.”

“People always whine about the children. What about the children, they ask? Think of the children! Well I say, what about the guns? Think of the guns!” said Governor Brewer. “Who speaks for the guns? I do!”