Arkansas Outlaws Mothers Naming Their Babies

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Basking in the glow of overriding Democratic Governor Mike Beebe’s veto to pass controversial legislation banning abortions after 12 weeks last week, Arkansas state legislators quickly went back to work and passed a bill restricting the ability of mothers to choose the name of their newborns.

“It’s clear to us that women are not capable of making good choices and are determined to ruin the lives of their babies,” proclaimed State Senator Eddie Joe Williams. “Now that we made sure mothers can no longer kill their babies in the womb, we had to take the next step and protect these innocent lives from the permanent scarring that can occur from any choice the mother might make, including naming her flesh and blood something stupid. Like, say, Barack.”

The “Naming America for a Brighter Future” bill has gained incredible traction with the conservative bloc since being introduced, and passed yesterday in both houses over a veto-threat from Governor Beebe, allowing history to repeat itself. The bill penalizes women for naming their children with a $2000 fine and up to six months of jail time. Additionally, it places the power of naming the State’s children with a bi-partisan committee to be created at a later date.

“The choice of a child’s name is not something that should be entrusted with an overly-emotional woman who has just given birth. I mean those girls are all jumpy and crying when they’re on the table with their legs spread,” explained State Representative Homer Lenderman. “No, it’s the proper matter for a politically-crafted committee that has never seen nor will ever see the child in question. Preferably one made up entirely of men, who are better at making choices than women. The last thing we need is another damn Bryttanniey.”

“We don’t take this matter lightly,” asserted State Assemblywoman Mary P. “Prissy” Hickerson, “I’ve seen babies named Peter when they were clearly a Nathaniel. What was the mother thinking? My experience over the years is that when given the freedom to choose, women often choose wrong. It’s better for the world when a baby that looks like a Bobby Joe, is named Bobby Joe.”