Arpaio Reveals 5yo Birther Investigation Results: “Since McCain Is Too Old, Sarah Palin Is Our Legitimate President”

It was a presentation hyped by a tantalizingly brief media notification more than 24 hours earlier: On Thursday afternoon, it said, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio would present the newest revelations in an investigation into President Barack Obama’s birth certificate. At 4 p.m. sharp, Arpaio and a member of his Sheriff’s Office’s Cold Case Posse had a message for the 40-odd journalists in attendance: You were wrong. Arpaio and his aides announced that a five-year probe had proved that Obama’s birth certificate from Hawaii in 1961 was, in fact, a forgery.

“There are very few new things about this theory, which, as you can see, is not just a theory anymore,” Arpaio told reporters. “We were adamant and we persevered and now we can say with absolute certainty that so-called president Barack Obama’s birth certificate, which he falsely produced in 2011, is in fact, fake. And like I said – there ain’t much new developments there, I’m sure even many of you had their doubts. But, the reason why this is so important is the fact that this confirmation has some pretty big consequences.”

Asked to elaborate, the Maricopa County Sheriff told reporters that this “changes things drastically” in the transition between the President-elect Donald Trump and current President Obama. “And here’s what I mean,” he proceeded to explain. “Since Barack Obama is not a legal citizen of the United States, he does not, according to our Constitution, have the right to run for any political office. Therefore, he should not have been able to run for the presidency back in 2008, and least of all win and become president. I’m sorry to admit it, dear people of America, but we’ve been living a lie for the past 8 years.”

He continued, “And since he should not have been able to do everything aforementioned, the presidency should have, by default, gone to his counter-candidate, which at the time was Sen. John McCain. However and furthermore, since Sen. McCain is too old to assume office right now, and since that would put an enormous strain on his health at this time, I call for Sarah Palin to become acting President of the United States temporarily, until such time when Donald Trump will be inaugurated and assume his full duties as President.”

Asked to explain why he wanted Sarah Palin, the former half-term Alaska governor, to fill in for McCain, Arpaio stated the obvious. “What kind of question is that?” he asked the reporter back. “Do you now know who John McCain’s running mate was back in 2008? Since you obviously don’t, I’ll tell you: it was Sarah Palin. And so it makes sense that we call her and ask her to do her duty for her country. Who else did you expect us to call, Hillary Clinton? The woman lost miserably to Obama for the Democratic nomination back then – a fact that is even more shameful now that it’s clear Barack Obama was a foreign imposter, and quite possibly a Muslim spy. And as if that wasn’t enough, she lost to Donald Trump yet again this November. She doesn’t seem to want to except the huge ‘NO’ Americans keep throwing in her face.”

“And as for the imposter Obama, I move that he be arrested and taken to interrogation to figure out who he’s really working for and who has been ordering him to run the American economy into the ground, allow same-sex marriage and ruin our healthcare. I have a feeling it was either the ragheads, the Chinese or maybe Putin. I don’t think it was the North Koreans, however, since they wouldn’t find sand on a beach, let alone infiltrate a black spy into the U.S. My money’s on the Saudis, because of the religious thing, but we’ll see. I know for a fact President Trump is pro-waterboarding, so it’s just a matter of time,” Arpaio concluded.