At Zero Percent, Likelihood of Budget Compromise Never Been Higher

WASHINGTON — Although mainstream news agencies suggest hope that Democrats and Republicans will reach a compromise on the federal budget is rapidly dwindling, Newslo’s in-house science research team has found that the likelihood of compromise, at zero percent, can only increase.

“These conclusions were drawn from minimal data,” said Head Science Researcher Dr. Ren Bernoulli. “We generally perceive the inability of Congress to work out a bargain on anything to be a self-evident truth. Remember the debt ceiling? Sequestration?”

Despite a recent Gallup poll showing that 60% of Americans favor compromise, Dr. Bernoulli speculated that most Americans actually lost all hope a long time ago. Budget Committee Chairwoman Patty Murray (D-WA) expressed the same cynicism.

“Hope never existed,” said Murray. “They made it up so there would be a conflict for their narrative. Here are some things that are more likely to happen before a budget deal compromise: Kony 2013. Mick Jagger getting satisfaction. Joffrey from Game of Thrones having a redemption moment. Um, Peter Pan saying ‘goodbye.’ Shit, this is hard.”

Dr. Bernoulli warned against misinterpreting the findings to mean things will get better. While the likelihood of compromise can technically only increase, Dr. Bernoulli advises the public not to get their hopes up.