Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics: Biden to Hit Embarrassing Gaffe Grand-Slam COLUMBUS, Ohio — The Obama Campaign will be in damage control mode Tuesday after Vice President Joe Biden makes four humiliating gaffes in one public appearance—history’s first ever “Biden Slam.” After endorsing President “Barack Osama,” Biden will reportedly bow to a half- Korean journalist and give a lengthy description of a recent experience with ecstasy.…

Dora The Explorer Caught Smuggling Heroin Into U.S.

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CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico — Unassuming adventurer Dora the Explorer is being held without bail at the Eloy Detention Center after border patrol agents caught the eight-year-old attempting to smuggle over fifty kilos of heroin into the United States. Dora Marquez and her pet monkey Boots were first spotted crossing the Rio Grande on a makeshift raft that contained over $5 million worth…

Replacement NFL Referees Review Third Down Play, Overturn Citizens United

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — After nearly ten minutes of review following a critical third down play that was originally ruled a fumble on Panthers running back Deangelo Williams, referee Jim Core announced to a confused stadium that the Citizens United ruling of 2010 was, in fact, unconstitutional. Core delivered the majority opinion, stating, “After further review, the ruling on the field has been…

New Orleans Braces For Asteroid

NEW ORLEANS, LA — New Orleans is making provisions for yet another disaster as reports from NASA surfaced this week that claim a 17-Thetis asteroid broke from Neptune’s Trojan orbit and will strike the tremendously unlucky city sometime next week. The asteroid, though relatively small by astronomical standards, is expected to virtually demolish the Crescent City in one demonstrative, fatal smack down.…

Personal Injury Lawyer Will Personally Injure You

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BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A new commercial for Schwartz, Schwartz & Delano LLC, claims personal injury litigator Sol Delano will personally injure you, pin the blame on someone else, and then provide legal representation against this person to get you the compensation you deserve. “Have you been injured in an accident?” Delano asks into the camera. “If not, let’s make something happen. In…

Palin, Bachmann Announce New Reality Show, ‘Riding Lady Liberty’

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Former Vice Presidential candidate and human caricature of misinformation Sarah Palin has confirmed the completion of a new reality show in which she travels across the heart of the United States with Representative Michele Bachmann, who takes on the roles of foolhardy sidekick and quirky racist. The program, which will air on FOX this October, will be named “Riding…

Rockstar Games to Release “Grand Theft America” With Goldman Banker As Protagonist

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NEW YORK — Rockstar Games announced today the next installment in its popular “Grand Theft Auto” series: “Grand Theft America.” The game will put players in control of a Goldman Sachs employee as he rises through the institution’s ranks. Whereas previous games in the series have centered on drug dealers, pimps, and other lowlifes, Rockstar is hoping to explore a new side…

Agent to Make Stephen Strasburg Cryogenically Freeze Right Arm Until Spring Training

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two weeks after the Washington Nationals officially shut down their perfectly healthy ace pitcher in the midst of a pennant race, Stephen Strasburg’s agent Scott Boras and Nats GM Mike Rizzo has now successfully lobbied with Nats manager Davey Johnson to force Strasburg to cryogenically freeze his arm until spring training. “Safety is our number one concern here,” Boras…

“Since When Is Duct-Taping Someone Between Two Mattresses And Throwing Them Off The Roof Considered Hazing?” Says Frat President

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — The Syracuse University chapter of Greek fraternity Sigma Chi Beta is deflecting allegations that senior members engaged prospective pledges in excessive hazing, including duct-taping freshman biology major Steven Cullard between two twin-sized Serta® mattresses and shoving him off the E.S. Bird Library. The deposition filed by university administration claims Cullard broke 202 of his 206 bones in the controversial…

Republicans Claim Conception Begins at First Mojito

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican members of Congress have issued a new referendum on abortion and birth control, asserting that the conception of a child begins at first Mojito. “When you’re looking into her eyes, and you take a sip of that drink right after the bartender gives it to you – that’s when a child is born,” said Virginia representative Eric Cantor…

Wall St. To Democrats: “Stop Treating Me Like Your Sidepiece”

NEW YORK — Leaked late-night text messages from Wall St. to the Democratic National Committee have revealed Wall St.’s growing discontent towards liberals’ treatment of the financial community as an “ugly mistress.” The text messages point to the Democrats’ constant condemnation of Wall St., but also expose the behind-closed-doors love affair taking place out of sight of Main Street, the Democrats’ longtime…

Congress Decides “Death Quota” for Mass Shootings Must Be Filled Before Gun Control Reform Passes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a summer of tragic and disturbing domestic mass shootings, a bipartisan effort on Capitol Hill has led to the announcement that Congress will not act immediately on gun control laws, but will wait until, in the words of one congressional aide, a new “death quota is filled.” A congressional committee has been formed, including Reps. Joe Wilson (R-SC) and…

Congressional Candidate Deemed Racist After “Black Friend” Refuses to Defend Him

BISMARCK, N.D. — North Dakota electoral politics are not known for their sprawling diversity, but race has recently taken a front seat in the state’s lone congressional battle. During a town hall debate Monday with Democratic challenger Tim Bennet, Republican candidate Roy McCanlis struggled to explain how his policies would lead to a more inclusive North Dakota. “That is a great question,”…

Mitt Romney Does “The Vagina Monologues” in Desperate Attempt to Court Female Vote

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CLEVELAND — In an effort to appeal to women voters, many of whom have identified Mitt Romney as “chauvinistic,” “cold,” and “sterility inducing,” the GOP presidential hopeful plans to perform pieces from “The Vagina Monologues” at upcoming campaign stops. With this highly unanticipated move, Romney expressed hopes for voters to “get a chance to see me from a different angle. A lady…

Politicians Vow to Start Caring for Troops After Next War

WASHINGTON — At a press conference in the Rose Garden today, President Obama announced that the administration fully intends to take care of American troops after the nation’s incipient war with Iran. “Now listen, the American people have always looked out for their servicemen and women when they return home from battle,” said Obama, breaking into a chuckle. “I almost got through…

Newslo Declares War on The Onion

NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover. Arkin explained that The Onion has “slowly,…