WASHINGTON — The Obama administration’s recent decision to make Plan B, the “morning-after pill,” available over the counter to girls under the age of 18, even without parental consent,has been criticized in some corners and praised in others for potentially leading to increased sexual activity in teenagers.
Catholic League President Bill Donohue said that while this new development infringes on the rights of parents to know what is going on in their children’s lives, it carries perhaps even greater consequences. “This situation is dire,” said Donohue. “Without the deterrent of an unwanted pregnancy, everyone knows teenage girls will ignore the threat of STDs, inequitable social stigma, and their own better judgment and instantly morph into unquenchable sex machines – attempting intercourse with anyone who crosses their path and shows even the slightest interest in them.
“Haven’t any of you ever seen the Internet?” he added.
“From his lips to God’s ears,” said 17-year-old high school senior and noted virgin Dan Petsky after hearing Donohue’s statement. “I’ve tried everything in my bag – trying to grow facial hair, getting a fake ID, being sensitive, being a dick, being popular, and being a loner. Nothing works. I really don’t want to graduate without getting laid. My only hope is that this Plan B pill will unleash the inner minx of girls everywhere. Please, I’m not even asking for a girlfriend here.”
While the move has been applauded by groups such as Planned Parenthood and the Partnership for Civil Justice Fund as a step forward in letting girls decide what is best for their own bodies, the Lame-o’s and Dorks Initiative for Doin’It says further action is needed. “While this is a great day, we cannot rest,” said spokesman Mark Malenfant, who called for further research and development of a “Plan C” pill, which may blind females to pizza-faces, halitosis and the playing of “Dungeons and Dragons.”
As of press time, the nation’s teenage girls are reportedly up in their rooms, “mortified,” and will not come out until everyone stops talking about if, when, how, and with whom they are or might be having sex.