Ayman al-Zawahiri’s Travel Blog

After realizing I wasn’t getting any respect as the leader of the world’s greatest terrorist organization, I decided to push my luck and go on vacation. Since half the world forgot about me and the other half has no clue who I am, I was able to travel freely without any complications. Here’s how my three-day excursion went.

DAY 1: Pakistan
I left Pakistan on a perfectly sunny day and headed straight for Osama’s old mansion to pay tribute. My taxi driver was very nice, but didn’t believe me when I told him I was the new leader of al-Qaeda, which is the reason I didn’t give him a tip. I snuck past the sleeping guards and took a private tour of Osama-land by myself. It was very nice, so I called a real-estate agent and asked for a buying price. She said it wasn’t for sale, not even for the new leader of al-Qaeda, which made me very mad. But I realized that nobody knew who I was, and I could travel anywhere freely, so I decided to catch a flight to America.

DAY 2: California
I landed in California just as the sun was coming up and went straight to the beach. There so many beautiful women, but they were all uncovered, which is really unattractive, so I left. If the beaches were no good, there was only one place left to go in California, and that was Hollywood. Luckily on the night I arrived there was a movie premiere for the movie “Lincoln.” I was able to get in to the premiere and sat next to the director himself. I have heard a great deal about this president, but the movie was no good. They didn’t even show him getting shot, which is clearly the best part. So to review the movie in two words – it sucked. If America’s greatest president was a complete fraud, then so was the rest of America, so I decided to go back my hiding place in Pakistan, or should I say my penthouse in Islamabad.

DAY 3: New York City
First, let me say I will never fly American Airlines again. I pulled up my ticket on my iPhone and the attendant wouldn’t accept it. Since she was a woman, I expected this stupidity, so I demanded to speak to the manager. Then the manager made me buy a new ticket. I told him I’d make sure my suicide bombers put this airline at the top of their attack list and walked away.

I then went through the infamous pat down service, which I was excited to experience. The TSA agent for my gate was an old man, so I went to a gate with the prettiest American I could find. She gave me a rough pat down and let me through. I was appalled and demanded to be pat down again. I wasn’t expecting a happy ending, but at least a couple tugs. She told me I was good to go and I was going to “get the scanner” if I didn’t move along. Damn right I want the scanner! I just bought two tickets for the same flight. I better get the full service.

The scanner left me unimpressed. What a rip-off! Finally, I got to the boarding gate, and the attendant told me my ticket from Pakistan wouldn’t work for flights to NYC. I asked her if she could change it. She asked my name, made a phone call, and got me a seat on the flight. She was much nicer than the manager, but I’m not thrilled that she was educated.

I found myself seated between two 350-pound women, and I couldn’t even take a full breath. I demanded to be moved to first class, but the attendant told me I was lucky to even have a seat. I told her I was the leader of al-Qaeda and I deserved more respect. She said that Bin Laden was the leader of al-Qaeda and he was dead, and then she told me to sit down and shut up. Fucking unbelievable!

Once I landed in NYC, I gave a quick praise to Allah and took a double-decker bus tour of the city to take pictures of the buildings I wanted to attack next. I kept everything strictly business in New York before heading to JFK and taking the first flight back to Pakistan. All in all, I have to say America is falling off big time, and I may actually plan to attack China instead.