Baby Cured of HIV Shows Condoms No Longer Necessary, Say Christians and Frat Boys

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind.  — In a joint statement released today, an unlikely pairing of institutions—the Catholic Church and the North American Interfraternity Association—argued that, because doctors have cured a baby born with HIV, condoms are now unnecessary and a “total waste of our precious latex resources.”

The statement aimed to convince Americans that “condoms are a thing of the past, like disco or landlines.” “We recognize that condoms were once useful,” it read in part, “because they protected people from contracting a deadly sexually transmitted disease… But all that’s over, and now it’s Miller time.”

On Sunday, doctors in Mississippi announced that they had apparently cured a baby born with HIV, the viral precursor to AIDS. The treatment, which featured aggressive use of antiretroviral medications, was the first successful one of its kind, and has led some observers—including the authors of the statement—to believe that the disease will soon be eradicated, paving the way for a “a bright future, full of skin-on-skin genital contact and the free exchange of bodily fluids.”

Although they disagree on the moral implications of prophylactic use, Catholics and frat boys concur that condoms “are deeply unnatural, and now totally pointless.” “Sure, you might still catch the Herp, or something like that,” said Jason Reid, president of Phi Sigma Sigma. “But that’s really just an annoyance… it’s not gonna kill you, like AIDS. We and the church agree that it’s time we all go back to raw doggin’ it, the natural way.”

Health professionals countered the groups’ statement by warning that, even if AIDS is one day eliminated from the population, there are still plenty of reasons to use condoms, like avoiding unwanted pregnancy and the spread of other dangerous venereal diseases. Said warnings seem to be falling on deaf ears, however, as the groups seem determined to stay on message.

“We’re proposing that all existing condoms be recalled and recycled,” Mr. Reid said. “Soon, we’ll end the real plague, the one of desensitized intercourse that’s been gripping this country for years. It’s about time.”