Bachmann, King, and Gohmert Admit They Have No Idea What’s Going On

CAIRO – Three controversial Republican lawmakers surprised members of the Egyptian media today by admitting that they “really have no idea what’s going on” with regard to geopolitics, domestic policy, and reality in general. Michelle Bachmann (Minn.), Louie Gohmert (Texas) and Steve King (Iowa)—who traveled to Cairo to meet with Egyptian coup leader General Abdel Fatah el-Sissi—told reporters that they’re “finished commenting on the crisis in Egypt” since “anything [they] could possibly say would be complete, nonsensical gibberish.”

“Over the weekend, the three of us had a revelation,” said Bachmann, a fourth-term representative who once claimed Terry Schiavo was “healthy.” “We have no clue what we are talking about, no matter the subject, but particularly with regards to Egypt. When I said that the US has also dealt with the Muslim Brotherhood as a ‘common enemy,’ I had pretty much pulled that directly out of my anus.”

“What is Egypt, exactly?” King mused. “A city? A kind of fabric? To be honest, I have no freakin’ clue.”

Last week, Bachmann, King and Gohmert held a joint press conference in Cairo during which they thanked the Egyptian military for ousting former President Mohammed Morsi, and declared their solidarity with the Egyptian people. The lawmakers went on to suggest that the Muslim Brotherhood—a largely nonviolent group of which Morsi is a member—was somehow responsible for the 9/11 attacks, and said that right now is “a good time” in Egypt that will soon bring “more freedom, more prosperity and more jobs,” despite the military government’s ongoing crackdown on peaceful protests, which has left at least one thousand unarmed Egyptians dead.

Bachmann, Gohmert and King now admit that they “totally winged that press conference” and say they “couldn’t tell you the first thing about the Egyptian crisis, except that it has made visiting the pyramids—which were built by the Founding Fathers in 1935—a real hassle.”

“All I know is that Sissi seemed like a pretty cool dude when we met with him,” Gohmert said. “He said something about freedom and prosperity, so I just repeated him. But by now people should know not to listen to me. Christ, I’m the guy that came up with Terror Babies threat—I’ve clearly lost connection with reality.”

King finished the press conference by wishing the Egyptian people well. “My colleagues and I sincerely hope that your president, Nelson Mandela, gets better,” he said. “I’ll never forget when he knocked out George Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle.”

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