In an effort to beef-up its fledgling reputation and provide that long-overdue veneer of customer service, Bank of America is now sending out PR representatives to every home they raid to convince the occupants it’s in their best interest to leave.
What most people don’t realize is that a growing number of individuals are starting to wake up to the fact that they have been grossly negligible with their banks, and that the majority were just simply unaware that owning a home was causing so much grief to the money-lending community.
“I really thought I had a good thing going here what with the house that my grandfather built and three acres of land,” said former home-owning enthusiast and part-time whittler, Bob Rentquist. “But now I realize that owning shit isn’t cool anymore, none of the kids are doing it, and housing is for suckers.”
Mr Rentquist’s remarks come after several federal agents stormed his house in rural upstate New York with guns drawn and catchy buzzwords at the ready. An intriguing dialogue with a newly-appointed Bank of America Public Relations representative was the final deal-breaker for Rentquist, who had also been under investigation for a string of hepatitis cases allegedly stemming from his underground chittlin-raising ventures.
“We prefer not to use liberally-biased terms like ‘raid,’ ‘foreclosure,’ or ‘fair,’” said PR rep Stan Haldeman. “Instead, we prefer to think of it more as ‘happiness relocation,’ ‘uplifting,’ or ‘recycling.’ Do you have a problem with recycling?”
Finding no flaw in Haldeman’s case, Mr. Rentquist tentatively uplifted his ass out of the brown, cigarette-burned EZ chair from the Nixon administration, and set himself en route to the nearest happiness relocation center on Riker’s Island.
“We think this is a big win for the company, and we are thrilled to be helping to free former land-owners struggling with mortgages,” Haldeman gently gloated. “With Bank of America’s new recycling campaign, we haven’t had to fire a single shot! And with 90% of ‘uplifters’ being minorities, that’s great news for the Black Lives Matter movement, too!”
As major banks foreclose more and more homes, PR representatives are bridging the gap between the government and its citizens, essentially making the world a better place.